Unspoken
by raindropp
Summary: Sarah's thoughts on her relationship with John. Spoilers through episode 6 "Dungeons & Dragons."


Title – Unspoken

Synopsis – Sarah thoughts up through episode 6 "Dungeons & Dragons."

Disclaimer – I don't own.

Note – Don't freak out, I'm not abandoning my other story **Fully Alive** just yet. I've been thinking about writing this for awhile now, and had actually planned on incorporating it into **Fully Alive** at some point, but then decided to focus more on Cameron and John in that story. A couple of scenes from D&D stuck out to me (bravo to the amazing Thomas Dekker, the lovely Lena Headey, the spectacular Summer Glau—always a pleasure—and the wonderful performance of Brian Austin Green), and I decided that this story had to come out.

Plus, I have a couple of papers due this week and I needed the chance to procrastinate.

* * *

It was an unspoken truth in the Connor house. The very lifestyle that Sarah Connor lived proved it without having to complicate things with meddlesome words. As a child, John Connor could remember experiencing the physical manifestations of this truth, but after his mother was taken away and he was sent to live with numerous foster parents, John was left in a world where there was no truth. There was nothing but lies and hate. 

He had childishly assumed that his mother's return in his life would bring back a sense of normalcy—at least, a sense of Connor normalcy. Life had changed, though, and John found himself more as a tag-along—baggage, even—then the partner he had once been. Perhaps Sarah was too afraid to embrace the truth—even if it remained unspoken—lest the two found themselves torn from each other once again.

They were distant from each other, joined only by a boyish desire and a hardened sense of survival.

Charley was the first to break the silence when he joined the Connor—now Reese—household. Sarah had almost hoped that John would shy away from the man with distrust, but he adored Charley. The two were inseparable, and Sarah found herself threatened. Charley had dared to chip away at the careful cold walls that she had built to protect herself and her son. He worked diligently at destroying her defenses, aided by the emotionally starved John, and Sarah was terrified of waking up one day and finding herself stripped bare and ugly to Charley.

They left Charley one summer morning with no warning and no note, just her beautiful engagement ring on the bedside table. Sarah told herself that they left for Charley's safety, but the truth was that Sarah did not want to be there when Charley discovered whom she really was. He had dared to speak and she had reciprocated, and life had become much too complicated.

_You're scared. He gave you a ring, and now, you're freaking out._

_I know you like him—_

_So do you, Mom! So do you. You love him, I know you do._

Damn boy. Had he not learned by now that they could not afford to love? Love was messy. It was tedious and dangerous. Love hurt when one lived in an uncertain world.

Love was not to be spoken in words, Sarah reasoned, nor in actions of affection. Love was shown in duty and sacrifice. There was not enough time in the day to wipe tears, hold hands, and kiss foreheads when one lived on the run.

It took a bullet to the shoulder for Sarah to break down and admit—in her own way—her fears of losing John. Moreover, she confessed it to Cameron, the Tin Miss. "He'll leave me," she whispered, knowing the machine would not care.

And that had been that. The next morning, Sarah had risen to the challenge before her and had taken chare. She pushed all those fears and thoughts deep down into that little pocket of her heart. She kept a few treasures there: her mother's smile, the kindness in Kyle's eyes, and the first time she held John in her arms. Now, she added her fear of abandonment and became Sarah Connor, the Legend.

Time travel could not shake her resolve. Now there was focus in her life and she went for it.

* * *

Derek Reese lay sleeping on the kitchen table. Charley had left, a bittersweet parting although Sarah had a feeling she would see him again. Charley had an awful bad habit of helping people when he should not. 

Sarah stood on the porch steps and tried to sort through everything that had happened within such a few short hours. Her somewhat of a brother-in-law had time traveled for God knows what, and Charley, of all people, had managed to save his life.

Despite all of that, the image that had burned its way into Sarah's mind was of John standing there staring down at his screaming uncle, bewildered and terrified as to what he could possibly say to Derek's never ending questioning of "Where's Kyle?"

Her strong, beautiful boy had been overcome with a sense of guilt. There had only been one other time in her life that Sarah had seen such despair on her son's face, and that had been the day she was taken away from him.

For the millionth time, Sarah raised her eyes to the sky and silently cried, _God, why _my_ son?_

"You should tell him."

Sarah whipped her head around. Behind her stood Cameron.

"Tell who what?"

"John," Cameron said. She stepped forward and took a seat next to Sarah. "You should tell John you love him."

Sarah's eyes widened but she managed to scoff. "John knows I love him," she muttered. "I'm his mother. I've given up my life for him. Of course I love him."

Cameron was looking across the yard and past the chain link fence. "Yes, he _knows_," she said, emphasizing the last word but still in that monotone voice that detached her from the world around her, "but he needs to hear you say it."

Cameron brushed back a strand of her hair and tucked it behind her ear, as any human girl would do. "Do you remember, back in New Mexico, when the terminator attacked John at the school?"

"How could I forget?"

"John and I, we were trying to decide what to do. I think John was still trying to process that I was not human. He called you on your cell phone, do you remember?"

When one has felt the deathlike grip of the terminator around one's throat, it is quite hard to forget. "Yes," Sarah said impatiently, "I remember."

"When John got off the phone, he got back into the truck with me and told me to drive home," Cameron recounted. "As we drove, he explained that the terminator had found you, and had impersonated you."

Sarah stared at the machine beside her. "But how—"

"It said, 'I love you, John.' John knew right then what had happened," Cameron said. "That's how we knew what would happen when we got home. That's why I entered the house instead of John."

She looked at Sarah with such a forceful expression that Sarah could not help but feel ashamed. "A mother should tell her son that she loves him and often," Cameron told her. "In the future, John often talks about your strength and your courage, but at night when he wakes from the nightmares and comes to sit beside me in the darkness, his one desire is to know whether you truly loved him.'

Sarah could feel a burning in her chest. She did not know how to be a mother, not a proper one. She had always thought that if they could stop Skynet, if they could change John's fate, then she and John would be able to live like a normal mother and son. But after Miles Davis' death and living on the run for so long, Sarah had never felt safe enough to let her love her son.

"Some things should not go unspoken," Cameron said.

The terminator stood and left Sarah, going who knows where to do who knows what. Sarah thought about what Cameron had told her. Did John really not know? Sarah tried to remember the last time she had said those words to her son. She could not remember.

Sarah could not sit there anymore thinking about it. If she did, she would go insane with guilt. Cameron was just trying to get under her skin, trying to get back at her for what Sarah had said to her in the garage. Sarah just needed to do something to get her mind off of everything.

She found herself several minutes later at the table cleaning the guns. Sarah tried to focus on her task at hand, but her thoughts kept drifting back to what Cameron had said.

There were steps behind her, and turning her head, Sarah saw John standing there. He looked as if he wanted to tell her something, but she turned away and went back to her gun.

_Some things should not go unspoken_.

Overcome, Sarah stood abruptly from the table and ran to her son. She grabbed John and held him tightly to her. She squeezed him close, trying to say everything that she wanted to in the fierceness of her hug.

Sarah held John for a few minutes. He never tried to move away, never tried to break the embrace.

And while the words were still catching in her throat, Sarah broke the rules and said the unspoken truth:

"I love you, John."

His body went slack in her arms as he sighed with relief, and then he was hugging her back as he whispered, "I love you, too, Mom."

_Cameron was right_, Sarah thought to herself, _some things should not go unspoken_.

**The End.**


End file.
